Valentines Day and the Diabolical Plan to Get Rid of Single People.

Listening to the radio and the special Valentines Day ads today, I didn't really think anything of the ad for the cheap burgers at the Bended Elbow today.

At least not straight away.

But it did eventually dawn on me that there is absolute nothing romantic about going to the pub for a cheap meal of burgers.

Who the hell would be wooed by that?

Don't get me wrong, the Bended Elbow is a nice enough place, with good food. But it's a place you go for a meal when you want to get absolutely shit faced that night. It's not a romantic place to go to eat. Especially not with cheap burgers.

So who the hell would be wooed by a cheap meal of burgers at the Bended Elbow?

The answer no one would.

At least no one who is going on a romantic Valentines date tonight. That ad was aimed at all of the sad, lonely, single people.

The Bended Elbow clearly wants to get any sad, lonely single person foolish enough to venture out in public today off the street, so that the happy, shiney couples aren't confronted with this ugly reality.

It's pure brilliance!

Everyone knows that sad, lonely single people (and they're the only kind of single person) always want to eat to ease the pain of their suffering. And everyone also knows that burgers make a pretty decent comfort meal (as a sad, lonely single person, I can confirm this). Add a pub background to this comfort meal, and the sad lonely single people are likely to drink to help ease their pain. So making the burgers cheap tonight is the icing on the cake! It means that the sad, lonely single people have more money to spend on alcohol.

So all of the happy, shiney couples get to enjoy a romantic night untarnished by sad, lonely single people, while the Bended Elbow makes a massive profit from the same sad, lonely single people. And the sad, lonely single people get to drink themselves into forgetfulness and possibly make themselves less sad, lonely and single.

It was almost the perfect plan.

But I cottoned on to them, and now that I know about it, I feel that I have to go out and ruin it.

Won't be too hard to do. I just have to get dressed up in my best sad, lonely single person outfit, and wander around the swankiest restaurant and/or cinema with a massive tub of ice cream. My tracky-dacks even have some of last night's meal spilled on them (yes, I'm a bit of a grot when I eat. But I'm a sad, lonely single person, so leave me alone). So I just need to spill some food on my t-shirt and I'm set.

I just hope that Cupid doesn't send his minions after me for ruining Valentines Day for so many shiney, happy couples.